Pseudonymous enough? Whatev.

I can’t help but think you still care for me. Even though none of your public Internet messages are directed directly at me.

…But I don’t want to hurt you again. (And I don’t know whether I hurt you by trying or by getting away.) (Or both.)

And I don’t want to be an obsessive stalker anymore that’s for sure.

—-

I’m sorry for complicating our situation. My staying away from you, this is my attempt at simplifying our situation. A big part of this complication is that I tend to be very emotional over things like these and over time I’ve come to the conclusion this emotionality is not something for me to fight or to repress instead it is something I must deal with. Handle. Steer in the right direction.

—-

Besides, you also agree right? That I should stay away from you?

—-

(But God I want to be close to you again.) (Still.) (But not yet I know, not yet. I know you don’t want me that close yet either. Not clingy, emotional me. Not yet.)

(Not yet.)

I hope you’ve set it up so that my posts don’t show up on your FB feed. Or maybe not, because you’d already ignored them easy.

Anyways I’ve set yours not to appear on mine. I figure it’s enough for our purposes.

—-
Today we talked. I don’t know how long it would be until we talk again. —-

—-
Update, a few days later: Not very long, it turned out :))

…Though yeah I understand that things are not quite the way they were before. But things are improving between us.

Thank you.

You’re starting to cheer up again. That’s great :)

I’m sorry I didn’t help much on that department. :(

But you’re starting to cheer up again and that’s great :)

—-
Wish we could still talk though, as friends; I still miss that. :(

I’m sorry. So, so sorry.

Here’s a thought: what if I’m *not* hurting you? What if all the hurt I’ve directly caused you are just in my head? What if you’re just scared of me because I’m acting all weird?

If that’s the case, now how do I stop acting weird?

I don’t know anymore where I can possibly share my pain without getting hurt some more.

Not Path, I think; not anymore.

If the only motivation I’ve got for me to move on is to stop the pain, then I’m never moving on. Never.

Never.

One stupid thing is that I spent all that money going out on several dates trying to get over you, when instead I could’ve spent it taking you out to dinner somewhere.

And now I’m broke x’DD

Sheesh. -_-

I still want you.

But I’m managing.

Just like how I haven’t smoked a single stick of cigarette today; which means its almost 4 days since I last smoked.

I wanna go on. I know I can go on.

Yes know you’ve given me several chances. And yes, I’ve dropped all of those chances.

Yes I regret dropping those chances. But I’m not gonna go mopping on those lost chances forever.

I’m moving on.

shorturl:

“i don’t trust anyone anymore” says the 13 year old girl who got in an argument with her friend one time

I seriously wish I’m perfectly confident that I am a capable digital marketing asset for my company. 

Failing that, I wish I was perfectly confident in knowing what I can do for money to keep on making a living.

Nevermind even attempting to fulfill Mom’s dreams of me to become some sort of “Big Person” or “Penggede” or something grand like that.

How can I keep eating. Goldfish style, in my old campus’ parlance.

Just to survive.

Nevermind feeling alive.

Why do I hold on to my melancholy…?

Supposedly I’m hoping some epic work of literature would arise out of it…?

I don’t know. I certainly hope so….

—-

(Though yeah I of course agree with Neil Gaiman that for all the narrative spices a writer may have towards building one’s literary career, the only common property is that of consistent hard work and perseverance.)

I still get jealous of people who get close to you. I find it annoyingly weird.

And I don’t know if it’s a symptom, or a cause, of my not being able to move on from you.

I would very much like for this jealousy of mine to stop.

—-
[Because yes, I have no right to be jealous of you.]

[Not even if I should eventually shape up to be able to be good enough for you or better; not even should I be able to meet or even exceed your standard]

[Because even then I would still have to prove myself the right soulmate for you.]

—-
Anyways yeah. I’m still hung up on you. And my current plan is still to move on from you. But yes I’m still in love with you.

And more than anything I want to stop hurting you. I need to stop hurting you.

—-
God.

malijuanastyles:

malijuanastyles:

I think it’s lovely how you can sit in a classroom and visualize having sex with someone and nobody will notice at all

do you know how many angry boys have messaged me about boners because of this post

Yeah this is one game point you gurls have over boys -_-” x’DD

God, can I let you go? 

Romanticism, can I let you go? 

Love, can I let you go? 

Yes I do emotionally explode. Occasionally. No, I don’t enjoy these explosions. Most of the time.

And I know I can’t always make up for my explosions.

(And when I do manage to somehow make it up, I believe its Higher Powers which interfere to enable me to do so.)

And I know I can’t always get what I want.

God takes care of what I really need though.

All the time.

“JOJONES=Jomblo2 ngenes|JOJONESTABA=Jomblo2 Ngenes Tapi Bahagia|JOJOBA=Jomblo2 Bahagia|mw sekeren apapun singkatannya tetep aj lw JOMBLO”

Trus? Emang kenapa kalo jomblo? Penting banget diurusin LOL xD